The secret hurt.

Before I go on with this blog, I want to touch on a subject that no one talks about and that would be sexual abuse.  I am not an expert and I do not have a degree in this area, but I am just making some observations about what I have seen and experienced.  I have heard it said that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men have been sexually abused.  I do not have any ideal if that is true or not, but it does point out how bad this problem has gotten.  I do not really think that anyone knows a true number on this since most people who have suffered sexual abuse do not talk about it.

A person who has had this happen to them feels dirty with a dirt that will not wash off.  This abuse destroys the essence of a person.  The victim feels guilty about not preventing this from happening and feels like they did something wrong.  So, they bury it the event into their sub conscience and try to forget that it ever happened.

This is when things seem to get worse, because it will somehow work itself out in other behaviors.  A certain touch or a glance from someone will bring back the victim feeling.  A rage will grow inside the person as they feel the need to prove themselves.  Men will feel like they have become women and will start cross dressing and/or will become homosexuals, or they will fight this urge by going against anything that makes them feel feminine or will go from one extreme to the other.  I have noticed that women will start trying to dress unattractive or they may become super sexual.  Some become so repulsed to sex that they seek to find intimate relationships with other women (or lesbianism).

A sexually abused person will often have flashbacks and relive the attack if they seek to make love to someone else.  They may find sex unfulfilling or make what seems as strange requests to their mate as they try to find sexual fulfillment.  This can hurt a relationship.

So, what is a person to do?  In my opinion, the first and most important thing to do is to go honestly to God about what you are going through.  He already knows what has happened and what everyone is feeling.  As bad as this is to us, to Him it is as simple as a skinned knee from riding a bicycle.   He created sex for us.  He basically told Adam and Eve in the Garden to go and have sex and don't stop until there is not enough room for someone to be born.  So, sex is gift that God has given to us and He can repair any damage that we have received from others.

Secondly forgive yourself.  You were the victim and not the pervert.  Be honest to yourself about what has happened and how it has affected you.

Third, talk to someone about it.  Especially talk to the person who you love about it and how it affects you.  If you can, find someone else that will give you a safe place to share.  Now safe does not mean nice as this will be hard at times, but they will be honest with you and will not exploit you.  A trained professional may be good, but I have seen people with counseling degrees from a seminary who actually just made things worse than what they were.

This may be a cliche, but the best thing that I have found in overcoming this is to live loved and love others.  When you truly love someone, the focus is on them and not yourself and that can overcome a lot.

Well, those are my thoughts and you are welcome to share yours also.

Two questions

As I have gotten older, I have started asking questions about my life.  Here are a couple of them.  "What was the reason for the rules that I grew up under that made me a social retard in establishing relationships with girls as a teenager"  and "What was the reason that a church let a sexual predator thrive within a congregation with no consequence".  As I have thought about these questions, I am become convinced that the answer for both questions is the same one; religious rules and the 60's.

Due to the family history in both my Mom's and Dad's families, they found a safe and protective environment in a church that maintained a strict rules of conduct.  This happened in the 50's and everything was fine until the 60's came along with its counter culture movement.  The girls dresses got shorter and guy's hair got longer and so it seemed like everyone was into free sex and drugs.  This went against all the religious rules of the times.

 Some people  interpreted these acts as one and the same, so any girl wearing a shorter than usual dress or any guy with longer than usual hair must also be into free sex and drugs.  So what happens then when the lifestyle of the country changes to longer hair and shorter hemlines?  One way of dealing with that was to believe that everyone was into free sex and drugs.  So, anytime that I got caught talking to a girl at either school or church, I was made to spend an evening confined to my room. So I spent many evenings in my room.  I lived under this rule until my Dad lifted it on my 16th birthday.

As for the sexual predator, the same thing applied.  Since all girls coming to church started wearing shorter dresses, then anytime he attacked a girl, he was seen as the victim of the girls seductiveness.  So, this religious rule that was made to protect and promote spiritual growth was turned into a veil that covered his crimes and sins of perversion.So I am guessing that somewhere between 30 & 200 women and girls were assaulted and when any of them said anything they were blackballed out of the church.

This is what happens when churches promote codes and rules to live by instead of relationships.  Rules and codes just divide people as obeyers and breakers.  A relationship of love and grace will provide a space for people to learn and grow.  If this type of relationship had existed back then, the sexual predator would have been seen for what he really was and restrained and given the opportunity  to change as friends stood by him.  As for me, if I had been allowed to really have girls as friends, then that would have really helped when I turned 16 & was in High School trying to get dates.

Another version of the birth of Christ.

Here is a different telling of the birth of Christ, which is different from our English translations, but I believe that it is faithful to the original texts.

Now   in those days a decree   went out from Caesar   Augustus   to register   all the empire  for taxes.  Everyone  went to his own town  to be registered.  So  Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth  in Galilee to Judea, to his family's house in the city  of David called Bethlehem,  because he was of the house  and family line  of David.  He went  to be registered with Mary, who was promised in marriage to him,  and who was expecting a child.  While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child.   And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in strips of cloth   and laid him in a feeding trough where the family's animals were to be kept,  because there was no place for them in the guest room. 

 Now  there were shepherds  nearby  living out in the field, keeping guard  over their flock at night.  An   angel of the Lord   appeared to  them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were absolutely terrified.    But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid! Listen carefully,   for I proclaim to you good news   that brings great joy to all the people:  Today  your Savior is born in the city   of David.   He is Christ   the Lord.  This   will be a sign   for you: You will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth and lying in a feeding trough.”    Suddenly   a vast, heavenly army   appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

 “Glory   to God in the highest,

and on earth peace among people  with whom he is pleased!” 

 When   the angels left them and went back to heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem   and see this thing that has taken place, that the Lord   has made known to us.”  So they hurried off and located Mary and Joseph, and found the baby lying in a feeding trough.  When   they saw him,   they related what they had been told   about this child,  and all who heard it were astonished  at what the shepherds said.  But Mary treasured up all these words, pondering in her heart what they might mean.   So   the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising  God for all they had heard and seen; everything was just as they had been told. 

About a year later, wise men  from Persia, came to Jerusalem saying, “Where is the one who is born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose ^{(I believe that this star was the glory of the Lord that shone around the angels as they spoke to the shepherds)}  and have come to worship him.”  When King Herod  heard this he was alarmed, and all Jerusalem with him.  After assembling all the chief priests and experts in the law,  he asked them where the Christ   was to be born.  “In Bethlehem of Judea,” they said, “for it is written this way by the prophet:

 ‘And you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,

are in no way least among the rulers of Judah,

for out of you will come a ruler who will shepherd my people Israel.’”  

 Then Herod   privately summoned the wise men and determined from them when the star had appeared.  He   sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and look carefully for the child. When you find him, inform me so that I can go and worship him as well.”  After listening to the king they left, and once again  the star (which was the glory of the Lord) that they saw when it rose   led them until it stopped above the place where the child was.  When they saw the star they shouted joyfully.  As they came into the house and saw the child with Mary his mother, they bowed down  and worshiped him. They opened their treasure boxes and gave him gifts of gold, frankincense,   and myrrh.   After being warned in a dream not to return to Herod,   they went back by another route to their own country.

No matter what the events where that surrounded the birth, the most important part is that the God of the universe became human through a miraculous birth.

Merry Christmas to each and everyone of us!

Further thoughts on the Pharisee's method of spreading the message.

If you looked up the following verse from my last blog, Lev. 15: 31

"Thus you shall keep the sons of Israel separated from their uncleanness, so that they will not die in their uncleanness by their defiling My tabernacle that is among them."., you would have noticed that this verse is set in a chapter dealing with sexual impurity.  This was a major concern for the Pharisees of Jesus' day as well as for churches today. The question that arises from this line of thought is how do you accomplish this task.  The first thing that you do is to make sure that when others see you, they see a picture of someone who lives up to the standards that they proclaim.  The second thing that is needed is to be in a high position so others will be influenced by you.  The Pharisees accomplished both of these things. One problem that comes from this is this; what happens when you can't live up to the standards that you have set for everyone to follow.  The only way past this problem is either to make loopholes, so that you can do it correctly while others will still be condemned (This is what Jesus dealt with in Matthew 23: 16-22.), or to cover it up (see Matthew 23:23-33).  This is what happens today when church leadership tries to proclaim themselves to be perfect. Another problem comes from having influence.  In order to influence people you must be lifted up so that others can see you.  A servant has little influence on changing the mass of society.  So, how do you get this influence?  For the Pharisees, it started with education.  This is what Paul was talking about when he said that he was  "educated with strictness   under   Gamaliel   according to the law of our ancestors".  After this  you start building a resume' (like Paul had in Philippians 3:5-6 &  Acts 22:3-5).   These two things will allow someone to elevate themselves over others because they can use them to show that they are closer to God than others (Matthew 23:1-7).  If the Pharisees were going to be able to turn a nation back to following God, then they needed to be able to  legislate their ways onto everyone else (Moses' Seat) and to be in front of everyone so they can be the center of attention.  The problem with this is that while changing peoples actions, it does not change their hearts. It also goes against what Jesus said and practiced.  A lot of churches and church leaders today lead Christianity the same way that the Pharisees did in Jesus day with good intentions and not realizing that they have become the stars of a tragedy that is worthy of Shakespeare. The way that I now see it is that God and God alone is the only ones that are to be lifted up.  Changed actions can really take place as Jesus works in the hearts of people.  Jesus seeks to have a family relationship with everyone and not a military chain of command.  We are not to exclude people because they do not practice, act and/or believe the same way we do.  Jesus was a friend to traitors (tax collectors) and sinners and if we truly love Jesus, then that action will flow naturally through us.  And instead of proclaiming ourselves sinless, we are to be open with our struggles and how God is working in our lives.  It is all about love.

The Bible study that became the linchpin for my changing beliefs.

A few years ago we had left Wildwood Baptist ( leaving there may someday be the source of another blog entry) and joined Creekside Community Church (They would later change the name to Creekside Bible Fellowship, and after I left there they changed it again to Rowlett Bible Fellowship).  At the time they were a Southern Baptist Church that operated more as a Bible Church.  I was teaching 4-6th grade boys and was in their Care Group Leadership Group for present and future Care Group leaders. By all accounts, I should have been happy there.  My family was very happy there, but I was not.

 I felt a longing inside my soul to study the Pharisees in the Bible.  I needed to see them as 3 dimensional beings instead of the 2 dimensional ones that are taught in churches.  What I mean by that is that for most people, they are like the cowboys in the old western movies that wore black hats.  We see the name Pharisee and immediately think that they are the bad guys, so therefore everything they did was wrong.

I started by looking at their name.  Pharisee means separate and is taken from Lev. 15: 31

"Thus you shall keep the sons of Israel separated from their uncleanness, so that they will not die in their uncleanness by their defiling My tabernacle that is among them.".

This is what the Pharisees were all about.  They live in an era where the ruler was named Herod, who really was a Roman governor but was allowed to use the tittle King.  He did a lot of rebuilding in Israel, but he also sought to incorporate the Roman lifestyle into Israel.  The Roman lifestyle is the same lifestyle that Christians oppose here in the USA.   Some of the Israelites who were called Herodians looked to him as the coming Messiah.  There were other religious leaders of that day called Sadducees who denied the existence of angels, and the belief that man had a soul that would continue to live after he died, and denied the resurrection of the dead.  They only believed in the law  and that God would physically bless those who obeyed it and punished those who did not.  The Pharisees saw both groups as wrong and tried to live out the whole council of scriptures that they had up to that point which we call the Old Testament.

They carried this message across the world to bring people to God.  They tithed their crops as commanded in the law and gave to the temple.  They so disciplined themselves that they look like they obeyed every command from God.  There was one command that could not be done by self discipline and that is the command "Do not covet".  Paul would later write that the more he fought against this sin, the more that he committed it.  I believe that this sin is what Jesus was talking about when He said, "You clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup,   so that the outside may become clean too!".

As I looked at this I began to think about the message that was taught by well meaningful leaders, myself included, I began to see that we are no different from the Pharisees of Jesus day.  We seek to spread the message about Jesus and then tell people that they need to follow certain rules to be accepted by Him.  Jesus taught that He would clean the inside of a person and as that person becomes clean on the inside then their actions would reflect that on the outside.  

From this lesson, I now focus on relationships and not on changing people.  When I try to change someone by putting commandments on them and browbeating them, I am really showing that I do not trust God to change them.

From Southern Baptist Deacon and lay leader to where I am at now.

One of the things that I wanted to do with this blog is to talk about what has led me from being a Deacon, Bible study & lay ministry leader in a Southern Baptist Church to where I am at now.  Also, talk about where I am at now and my path from here.  I am not writing this to try and sell people on following the same path, because that would be wrong on my part.  I believe that God will lead you to where He wants you and that may not be the same path as me.  I do feel the need in my heart to write down my journey and I hope that will help others as they read it.  Just writing it down will help me.

I will start by saying that it has always bothered me that the people who seem to need God and the church the most were usually pushed out or at least felt like they were pushed out of the church.  A few years ago I  went forward in a service and surrender my life to ministering to those who were pushed out.  My calling was not the end result of where I am now as I have changed a lot since then, but it was a step to where I am now.

So in the next few posts I hope to write about what caused me to go from being Deacon inside to ministering outside, and from ministering outside to where I am now, and to write about things that are happening now.  Again, I am writing about my journey and I am not belittling anyone else's journey or beliefs.  I do not expect and I do not want to be surrounded by carbon copies of me as that would be just wrong and the world would not be a lovely place to repeat a cliche.  I promise that this will be different from any song and dance show that I used to give inside the congregational walls.  I want to be real and authentic, not wearing any false masks, so you can see the real me.

New blogger

I am starting my own blog.  If anyone is interested in what I am thinking or why I have done some of the things that I have done, then I want to invite you to follow along and even comment.  I am not an expert on life, but a journeyman -- learning as I go.  What believe today has changed from what I believed yesterday and what I believe tomorrow will change as I grow and learn and experience more of life and God.  I do not believe anything because someone tells me too, but instead I listen and get alone with God to see what I should or should not believe.  I do not get everything right and everyone should take the same approach with what I say.