My struggle with unforgiveness and forgiving the unforgivable.

I have heard it taught all my life that we are to forgive and forget the hurts that are caused by others.  It seems to me that people who teach this really do not want to deal with real life.  How can you forget something when the consequences of that hurt will last a lifetime?  How can you forget something has happened when the consequences of that hurt will set off a chain of hurts that will last 3, 4, or even 5 generations?  Are you really supposed to forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness (This one question is debated by theologians in their ivory towers)?   I do not have the answers to these questions.  I can only tell what has happened to me.

I have struggled with this as a kid and through my teen years & into married life with 2 kids of my own.   I had learned to bury my hurt and to put on a mask that nothing was wrong.  This got me through most times, but there came a time when it did not.  There came a time when the person who hurt me became someone that I dealt with on a regular basis.  This caused many emotions to stir within me and I had to deal with them to keep them from disrupting the relationships with my family.  Also, this person has never acknowledged that he has ever done anything wrong and to add insult to injury he claimed to be a Christian and that caused me to think that he would never be punished for what he did.

I did  a lot of praying about this, telling God off on many occasions about what had transpired.  I held nothing back from ripping God for what I thought about His part in this.  I felt that God's response to me was that my real problem was that I did not think that Jesus' death was sufficient to pay for what had happened to me.  I felt that God wanted me to use my imagination  to go back in time and for me to beat, whip and crucify Jesus for what had happened to me.  I knew the story well, so I was able to go back in my imagination and do all of those things to Jesus.  As I was doing them,  I felt God telling me to do more, do it harder, and to get it all out.  After I had done this, I felt a hug from God and Him telling me that now I knew that punishment had been taken care of.  At that moment, I felt the ability to love that person.  Also, I took ownership of my reactions to that hurt instead of using that person as a scapegoat.

What I have taken form this is that forgiveness does not mean that those things never happened.  It is a way to get past those hurts.  Jesus' death becomes a substitute for the punishment that other person deserves as well as a cure for me.  It has & is slowly changing me from the inside out, correcting any bad actions on my part that would have come out because of the hurt.

Heretic, Demon possessed, and/or abandoned the faith

Those are a fews of the phases that people have assigned to me over the years. Being called those things really does not bother me that much because I know that none of those things are true.  About the only time that it does bother me is when a close loved one (who knows better) says those things just to damage me, and then it is not so much the labels as it is the betrayal.  This marks one of the biggest problems in America today, especially among Christians.

Churches will take one point of view and accept that point of view as the only truth and attack anything else as evil.  Most churches practice a military type chain of command that dictates what they believe that truth is and so anything that challenges what they have put forward must be wrong because it diminishes their influence.  So, these labels are used to build walls that will keep their congregations under their influence instead of dialoguing and maybe learning something.

For instance, I had a Paul like conversion to Christ, and one of the congregations that I attended for a while taught that God did not talk orally to people today & the only way to know Christ was though the Bible and the only ones that understood the Bible were the people that graduated from their Seminary.  My testimony challenged their teachings and so they had to label me as evil to maintain their headship over the people.  In another congregation, some of the people wanted to run the church and saw me as the "bell cow" of the congregation and so they tried to brand me with labels to eliminate my influence with the people.

Another reason that people brand others with these labels is that they are afraid.  They really have no ideal why they believe what they do, except that they have always been told to believe that way.  Tradition and "because I was told too" always makes poor reasons for beliefs and so the only way to uphold this way of thinking to destroy any other way of thinking.

The sad thing is that when we hide behind these imaginary walls, we stunt our growth and we lose our influence.  The two things that we are trying to stop, we end up promoting.  We cause love to lose ground instead of gaining ground and the same with knowledge.  I have actually learned more from people who have challenged my beliefs than I have from people who tried to dictate what I was to believe.  Will we get some things wrong if we dialogue  with one another?  Yes, we will, but that is a part of learning.  As a believer, I have the Holy Spirit with me leading& teaching what is true as I go forward and if you have Jesus in your heart, then you do too.

What makes someone a friend instead of being an acquaintance.

I remember a time back in High School when me and some other people were discussing who were our best friends.  I said Bubba Duckworth was mine and that bought about some serious discussions because Bubba and I did not hang out together.  About the only thing that people could see that we had in common was football.  So, I have given a lot of thought over the years to what makes a friend.

My search would continue later when I was grown, married with children.  While my kids were in the Quest program in elementary school, I would take them to the Library to do research for their class.  While waiting for them in the Library, I would go and take a C. S. Lewis book titled "The Four Loves".  A few years after that I found a CD at Lifeway Bookstore of a lecture that C. S. Lewis gave on "The Four Loves".  It was probably the best purchase I ever made at Lifeway.  One of the four loves that he talked about was the love of a friend or "philia".  If you want to read more about this topic, then I would recommend that book.  

I believe that many people today have surrounded themselves with acquaintances and companions, but have never enjoyed the love of a true friend.  Acquaintances and companions give us great enjoyment with their company.  They may even help us on occasion.  A friend (I believe) is someone that places your welfare over their own.  They will love you for who you are, but will act by doing what is best for you.  So, their company will aways be a safe and loving place, but not necessary a nice one.  That is why a true friendship will endure a time of separation, but acquaintance and companionship will fade over that time.

When we talk and teach about "agape" and fail to talk and  teach about "storge"(affection), "eros"(lover & the beloved), & "philia"(friendship), we fail people by not giving a basis for understanding "agape"(supernatural love).  So, "agape" has become in many places a vague concept and not something that is truly felt.

Oh by the way, my answer to the discussion about Bubba being my friend was that when others gained up on me, Bubba would come and face them with me and that was something that I did know if any in that group would do or not.  

The Afterlife.

When someone you know has died, your thoughts naturally turns to what happens after death.  There are many beliefs about what happens, even within the Christian community.  The following is what I currently believe.

What happens after death depends on if you are related to God.  What I mean is if one has asked God to forgive the wrongs that they have done and have asked Him to enter their life, then God has adopted that person as a son or a daughter.  A person who has this type of relationship with God is welcomed into the Father's presence.  The phrase "Abraham's bosom" to me shows God giving big hugs to the people who are there in the same way that a loving father will hold his small child or like the hugs that friends will give each other in times of either grief  or happiness.  

When someone refuses that relationship with God, they will awaken in a place of torment separated from The Father.  The people with the Father cannot see the ones separated from them, but those who have been separated can see others living in the loving arms of God.   They can also talk to The Father and The Father will talk to them.  I do not see where anyone living in this separation ever asks for forgiveness or to have that special relationship with The Father.  Instead, all I see is that they despise anyone who is living in the loving arms of Our Father and will make suggestions to Our Father for missions that will take us out of His  Loving arms.

When we truly love someone we will not deny the relationship, but that does not mean that we will condone actions that will hurt them or others.  Sometimes the loving thing to do is to send that loved one to counseling, rehabilitation, or prison.  Even in doing these things we still love the person and want the best for them.  God does the same, sometimes allowing someone who has entered into that special relationship to come home to be with Him so no more hurt will come from this person.