How for me focusing on love instead of doing the right thing is better.

Back in school, I used to be obsessed with doing the right thing.  I do not think that I ever demanded that from any of my classmates, but I did for myself.  It was something that drove me.

I guess that the main reason that I demanded it of myself was that I thought that if I proved myself to be good enough then I could be loved.  In other words, I was trying to win love from people and God.  I never was good enough to accomplished that.

What that attitude did do was to create a false persona about me.  In a way, I wore a mask.  Not the type of mask that people wear at Halloween, but it still kept people from knowing me.  That mask not only kept others from knowing me, but it also kept me from revealing my heart to others.  Honestly, if anyone reads this that knew me back then, what do you remember about me?  Was it just that I played football, that I was quiet and shy, that I sometimes had a smile on my face, or maybe that I usually made good grades?  Even my closest friends did not know a lot of things about me.

That attitude carried over into my adult years.  As I grew and started questioning some of my beliefs, a couple of things happened.  When I found out that a couple of things that I took for truth were wrong, I started reviewing everything that I believed.  If one thing was wrong, then I knew that it was possible that a lot of things were wrong. 

As I was going through those changes, the focus became on how my actions affected others.  For instance, I could not go to a bar even if I did not drink anything there because someone might see me that would develop a drinking problem, and I would be accountable for the bad influence that I had on them.  So I could not do anything that might would cause somebody else to do wrong.  So, I thought that I still needed to wear that mask.  That forced me to retreat into places where everyone else acted the same way that I did and we all would gather around with our masks on with no one ever really knew the other. 

Those actions were even worse than the first, because everything that was wrong in the 1st place was still there, but only now I also was a hypocrite because I really did not believe what I pretended too.  My kids and parents are amazed at some of things that I do and say now because it does not line up with what they remember about me.

There came a time a few years ago when I was forced to take off my mask.  The feeling when that happened was like getting caught without your clothes on, but it was also freeing.  The verse that said that Jesus did not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering embers became a special one to me.  I came to realize that God loved me without me being perfect, righteous, or holy.  That no matter how bad I hurt, He would never hurt me more.  

As I let His love inside and grow within me, I am learning that I can love others the same way.  His love is also changing me.  I am still wanting to do the right thing, but because He is changing me inwardly so I am not having to "discipline" myself and force myself to do it, and that my actions come out of love and not for love.

I have more friends now than I have ever had, but not everyone likes this "new" me.  That is OK.  It is not up to me to change them.  So, even that frees me to love.