The next crises

As bad as The Secret Hurt was, it pales in comparison with the crises that followed it.  Because of its ongoing effects, I have struggled with how to describe it.  The crises started at the church that had the sex abuse and continued at the next church I attended, then exploded when I left that congregation to attend another and it  has changed my life more than any crises up to this point in my life.  I have already started to blog about it, My first two blogs (which are Bible Studies that I described as the lynchpins in me changing some of my beliefs) happened at this time.  The first one took place before the explosion and the 2nd took place right after.  I will start this blog by telling of the counsel that I received from 2 people after the explosion.

The first man was about 10 years older than me and attended the church that I went to after the explosion.  He was among a group of men who rallied around me who I will never forget.  After witnessing the events that taken place, he approached me to tell me something that I needed to hear.  He started by telling me about his early life.  It was about a time in his life that he never talked about and was only telling me to show me that he was a trained export in this particular field  and was not talking just as a friend.  He had been trained by an unnamed part of our government in brain washing techniques and how to recognize people who have been brain washed and the people who brain washed them.  He told me that all of his training was telling him that the leaders involved had taken the gospel of Christ and were using brain washing techniques to further their ministry.  The explosion that that was directed at me as well as the church I was then attending was a normal result of cult leader not having the expertise to break a person with strong beliefs such as myself.  (It wasn't that I could not be broken, but that they did not know how to do it.)

The second man that I counseled with was my wife's Uncle who was a close friend of the Criswells and seemingly an unnamed pillar within the congregation of 1st Baptist Dallas.  At first, he did not want to talk to me about it because it would mean that he was counseling someone who had married into the family against the family.  I told him that I knew of his love for them and that is why he was not only the best man for me to talk to but also the only one whose advice would be trustworthy.  After that, he agreed to talk with me.  I will not give details of our conversation, but will give the three main points that I walked away with.  First, I had a legitimate reason for divorcing my wife and walking away from the family.  Second, I had earlier committed and promised to take care of my mother in law the rest of her life as her health was really going downhill, so was my love for the family strong enough to endure the venom that was being spewed for me to fulfill my promise.  Third, If was able to hang on for that long  and could not go on any more then I would have his full support in my divorce.  He would go on for the rest of his life be a real encourager to me.

So, what have I taken from this that will help me identify such abuses in the future.  Look at the way people describe their leaders.  Are they saying things like:  "They stand head and shoulders over anyone that I have ever known"  or "I did not know that it was possible for anyone to live a sinless life until I met them" or  a person that is forced to move because of a job transfer might say "I need to find a church that has someone from that same seminary pastoring it because they are the only ones who have knowledge of  the truth".  Other comments to look for are "We are the only ones doing worship right in the metroplex"; "God only speaks through the Bible and the only ones who understand the Bible are people from our seminary"; "A degree from our seminary puts us on a level with (or under) God and above everyone else" or "I will tell you what the Bible says and if anyone or even your translations say anything else then they will be wrong and I will be right".  There could be others but I think everyone gets the point.  Also, watch for leaders trying to take over the family.  Family members will be encouraged to talk to certain members of leadership and not to each other.  One of the things that was said during the explosion directed at me was that my leaving showed that I was unfit to be head of the household and that a certain woman would take my place.  Since that day I have received a cold shoulder from members of that congregation as well as my family.

So, why do I stay?  That is a question that is constantly asked and I really have a hard time answering it. One thing would be that if I left then there would eliminate all chances of restitution.  Several years before my mother in law passed away, my oldest son broke ties with the congregation there and ever since my relationship with him has been improving.  Even with that though, I did almost walk out when my mother in law passed away, but felted in my heart that God knew how much I was hurting and that He was still working on restoring some relationships and for me to hang in there for a little while longer. It was shortly after that when I started connecting with High School friends through Facebook and alumni lunches.    I guess  that I must still love my family even after all that I have been through.  I do not know how this will end, but I am taking it one step at a time until I get there.