Safe Relationships

“Safe is a place where you can get out the worst thing about you and they don’t run you off, talk you down, or head for the hills….Safe is where you are loved more for revealing your ‘problems’, not less.”

This is a quote from the book Bo's Cafe which deals with relationships among people and while doing it reveals what we as the church should look like.  It is also something that I have only experience in a group setting only once.  It happened within what I call a subcultural of a church congregation where the main obstacles were the formal leadership of the congregation (Pastor, Church staff, Deacons, etc.). Even among my individual "friendships", it has only happened a couple of times.


I bring this up because since there some relationships forming within the alumni group that have the potential to be this way.  For the first time in about 10 years, I have people in my life that I feel safe around.  Now I am not talking about physical safety, but safety as described above.  Now this can grow into relationships like the group in Bo's Cafe or not, I guess that is up to us.  


All of us have problems.  There are no all together people.  Super religious people who stand above everyone and who are closer to God are just a myth and do not exist.  People who present themselves this way are only showing a mask that is covering up all of their faults.  These people can never truly be a part of a safe relationship because they are frauds, actors, hypocrites.  


So the question is which direction do we go from here?  I would like to close this blog with another quote from Bo's Cafe.




"This relational stuff, the good stuff?  Well, its messy man.  Because it demands that you care about something more than getting better before you can ever get better."

Enigmas

Every now and then something will come up that will be an enigma to me and I will spend time trying to figure it out.  At this moment that would be Trop Rock.  I had never heard this term until Cindy started talking and posting and writing about it.  What is and what is not Trop Rock music and where is the dividing line.   Why is Jimmy Buffet Trop Rock and Alan Jackson not?  Are the Beach Boys the original Trop Rock musicians?  What keeps "Galveston" from being a Trop Rock song?  What is a Trop Rock lifestyle and how is that different from a country lifestyle?

I know I can be obsessed at times when it comes to enigmas.  This obsession can and has cause changes in my life.  It was an enigma that took me from being concerned about people in traditional church who "fell through the cracks" and dropped out (along with trying to make sense out of what happened to me within church and why I could no longer find comfort and belonging there) to a new outlook on church community and following God.

I could go on and on about the enigmas in my life but by now you have the picture.   I have found that when I let myself look at the mysteries around me and allow questions to come then whether or not I find any answers, my life is enriched

My thoughts on the book, "What I Believe" by Count Leo Tolstoy

I really enjoy hearing or reading what someone believes and how and why they believe it.  It applies even when I do not agree with what they say.  When someone goes to the trouble to share what they believe, I believe that it is a gift and they should not suffer any personal attacks when they are honest.  So, I will not be issuing any of that here.  However, I do believe that discussing the issues are appropriate and that gives me and others the chance to share what we believe.  That is what I am going to try to do here.


As someone who has spent most of his life as a Southern Baptist with their fundamental studies on what they believe;  I believe that Tolstroy does a good job in laying out his beliefs.  The main problem that I had with his teachings is the same one that I have with most fundamental writings and that is they start in the wrong place.  I believe that one must start with "God is a person who wants to have a close relationship with us and He Himself is Love and He loves us",  and build on that.  I did not see that happening here.

 Tolstoy takes the passage that is commonly call "The Sermon On The Mount" (Matthew 5-7), and bases his whole belief on what he has gotten from these passages.  If I understood the book right, then the teaching seemed to me that to be a Christian then one must be taking these teachings to the extreme and applying them as laws or a code of living for us to live by.

He teaches us that, "We must never be angry with anyone or kill even in war, never resist evil done to you,  never divorce, never take any oaths, never sit in  judgement against anyone, never make distinctions between us and foreign nations or peoples."  I believe that love may lead people to these same actions, but if it is not carried out from love then the act is meaningless.

Tolstroy also makes a list of things that cause happiness and that list did intrigue me.  He said:

1.  All need to have a life where the link between him and nature is not destroyed.

2.  All need to do congenial, free, physical labor.  (Forced Labor is no different than doing no labor in bringing happiness)

3.  All need a family life.

4.  All need a free friendly communication with all people.

5.  All need health and a painless death.

That is a brief nutshell of the book and my thoughts.

The significance of spending all day standing in line to see Cindy Herring Bates perform at Six Flags

My life goals while I attended NMHS were as follows:  Be a top football player,  play on a championship team, play football at college on scholarship, go into coaching.  I was so focused on those goals that I turned down an offer to go to Centenary College in La. on an academic scholarship plus grants to the extent that my college would have been payed for during my Junior year because they did not play football.  Then during my Senior year, my dreams were shattered.  There were no offers to play football anywhere.  Neither were there anymore offers based on my academics.  Coach Qualls told me that to go into coaching, I would need to be involved in football and if I went 4 years without football, then I would not be a serious coaching candidate anywhere.  So, all of my dreams, all of my aspirations were smashed.

After High School, I did go to Eastfield Community College for 2+ years ( I have 90 hours there at that 2 year Junior College).   But, I never developed interest in doing anything else and dropped out.  It was during this time that I really felt like a loser.

It was during a Summer's day when a group of us from church went to Six Flags.  While there, I noticed that the gossip that I had been hearing was true when I saw Cindy's name on the sign of performers for their show at the Southern Palace.  So I went and spent the whole afternoon standing in line ( I stood in line for 3 shows and when I finally got to the door to get in to see a show, they had changed shows and performers So Cindy was not there, so I did not go in.).  While standing in line, I received comments about my manhood (Southern Palace was thought of as a place that women wanted to hang out),  people pointing out how many words that Cindy and I had said to each other during all 4 years of high school combined, and that Cindy would not only never know that I was there but she would not remember or speak to me if we should ever see each again.

What nobody understood was the change in direction that my mind had made that day.  Even though all of my dreams had been shattered, I still could and would support and be happy for those who were still pursuing theirs.  After that  I was able to be happy anytime Gary Blair carried the ball for Baylor, or when the Pam's were shown on TV cheering for UT.  The one thing that I was learning back then was that even though my dreams and aspirations could and would be broken, my reactions towards others still be one of love for them.

That would not be the last time that I went through something like that.  I would later lose my Insurance Agency due to a company downsizing, and about 15 years ago some Seminary Graduates got involved with my family and friends and turned them all against me.

We can't control what happens to us, but if we have experienced how much God loves us, then we are able to respond  with love for others no matter what happens to us.

My first dance

I guess that you could say that I had one thing on my bucket list that has now been crossed off.  Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to dance with a girl.  But, growing up in an anti-dancing home and marrying a wife who did not want to dance put that dream on hold.  So, I found myself a 54 year old man that had never danced.

When the subject of the Sock Hop came up, I was for it because I figured that I could blend in with the crowd and visit while those that wanted to dance did dance.  Then the Sock Hop was canceled due to a lack of people sending in their money and the gathering at The River was substituted for that.  I then became unsure of whether or not I really wanted to go.  I do not drink and I can't dance, so I really did not know what I would be doing there.

Then at the dinner at BJ's after the Homecoming game on Friday, Cindy Herring Bates came up to me and told me that if I wanted to, that she would teach me a few steps and have a dance with me.

Now Cindy is an excellent dancer as she dances all the time.  I remember after we graduated high school, she performed at the Southern Palace at Six Flags.  I remember going there several times and standing in line for hours with Joe Ben, David, and Paul Williams just to be told that there were no seats left.  I had no doubt that Cindy would go on to bigger things.  She has done just that while remaining that same person that we knew in high school.

So after my wife encouraged me to get out of the house and go to the event, I went.  The group of us were sitting there all together and listening to this band called MOJO Filter that I had never heard of before but really liked. After they got through with the first set, the juke box was turned on and Cindy leaned over to me and told me that if I was interested, we could either go to a back corner and practice a few steps or we could go straight out to the dance floor.  I chose to go straight out to the dance floor.  Cindy told me a couple of things (she kept it simple for me) and we got started.

She let me lead and matched her steps with mine as we went across the floor.  I would guide us and when I got off beat, she would nudge me back into beat.  There were times when she wanted us to try a couple things so I would move the upper part of my body as well as my feet.  She could read what I wanted to do and she also could communicate without speaking what she wanted and I had a great time.

Today as I reflected on my first dance, I realized a couple of things.  The first thing is what a great lesson this was for how a marriage should be.  A couple that is in tune with one another going through life together.  One would lead the direction but not be "the boss".  The other would have input into what they were doing and together they would go through life committed to each other.

The other thing that I reflected on was something that I had always been taught.  I was always told that dancing was wrong and that it would tear a marriage apart.  I found that the dance not only did not do that, it even helped me today with the relationship with my wife.  I did not feel imprisoned today.  I found myself more happy with my marriage than I had been in a long time.  Now nothing had changed with my wife or kids, but it had with me.  I found myself more committed to my wife.

Now I really value Cindy's friendship (as I do others) but, I am still in love with my wife.

Oranges

I went to grocery store yesterday and saw the prettiest display of oranges that I have ever remember seeing.  They were stacked up on a display and were the prettiest color of orange that I have ever seen.  The display had a light hanging down that gave them a special glow.

After seeing them I decided that I would buy some.  Then as I would pick them up (one by one) and when they were out from under that light, I saw that they were not perfect.  They had flaws.  They had discolorations.   Some were even bruised.  I went ahead and bought some, but the experience started me to think.

We are in many ways like those oranges.  We live in a society that demands perfection, so we go to great extremes to try to have that perfect look like the store gave to those oranges.  The problem is that we are no more perfect than those oranges were.

So what happens when we are taken out of that light that is masking us, and our imperfections are revealed?  How do we react when the imperfections of others are revealed?  Can we accept that everybody has both good and bad within them?  Or, do we discard them because they are no longer able to present themselves as being perfect?  If we discard them then, what becomes of the rest of us who are really no more perfect than they are - but just have not been discovered yet?

I believe that this is where love and grace and mercy shines out.  Mercy means that we do not discard them because of their faults.  Grace enables us to focus on the good things that they bring to us.  Love causes us to focus on them instead on where they have failed us.

Isn't this what God does when He enters our lives?  Doesn't He show us mercy for our shortcomings?  Doesn't He give us grace so we can be all that we were made to be?  Doesn't His love focus on us rather than how we have failed Him?

I believe that true friendship and love can only be experienced as we come out from under that artificial and deceiving light so that we see each other as we really are.

By the way, those oranges that were not perfect, were still very delicious all the same and I could not have known this as long as they were in that artificial and deceiving light at the store.  It is when I took them out and put them in the true light that I could enjoy them.

Love, Hate, & Apathy

I have heard most of my life that the opposite of love is hate and anger.  I heard that from serval places:  school, church, family, etc..  I no longer think that way.  I now believe that hate and anger is a part of love.  If you love something and that something is threatened, then what comes out is hate and anger.

So, hate and anger can show people what you truly love.  If you see hate and anger coming from someone, you can look to see what is threatened and know what is the object that is loved.  For instance, if I get upset because someone is a good dancer and I can't dance, then I am showing that I am loving myself and my status and popularity because my inability to dance like the other person  threatens my status and popularity, and maybe my chance to get the girl ;-).  

When we love the wrong things, then that is when our hate and anger cause bad results.  When we love rightly, then our hate and anger will do the right thing.  For instance, if I see someone attempting to harm my friends or family and I react with anger and hate towards the oppressor, then I am showing that I love my friends and family.

Part of my faith is that I believe that God is love.  I also believe that we were created in God's image and that means that we were created to love also.  Our shortcomings however causes us to not love rightly as God does.   We were created to love rightly, plus those of us who have God living within us and we are living in His love - are being cured by God so we can show His love towards others.

I believe apathy on the other hand is the true opposite of love because it has no feelings.  I also think that apathy is not a natural response that is within us, but is a learned response.  Hurts, hardness of the heart, and other things put us in a position not to give a care.